Part 2 HOW TO KEEP YOUR MAN!

Painting of Rope $100,000 Special order, Bernstein Gallery



Bambi has done a lot of thinking about LOVE, SEX and ROMANCE and now - for the first time EVER - she reveals the secret of
HOW TO GET A MAN TO FALL DEEPLY IN LOVE!
The magic incantations below, (combined with my patented "BAMBI LOVE POTION #7") - will produce RESULTS or your money back. Trust me.
Bambi Bernstein has had a thousand boyfriends.


RULE #1 If you are nice to men they think you are weak.

Just use men for sex and move on. That's how Bambi treats her boyfriend, the over handsome, under educated Turgid Loathmore

Try these bullshit phrases on for size....


11. "________"You just make me feel so good.

Say this while looking in the mirror. Stroke your inner thigh narcissistically
and twirl your hair around your finger. Use his name. The name itself is a magic formula. Forget "darling, stud, lover boy" Just use the name. Draw out the first consonant. Give him the OO LA LA.

12. You are the best.

Say this while looking admiringly at your newest copy of "Man Date." Keep gazing at the most magnificently built stud in the magazine, cock your head, look from the page to your boyfriend, look both guys up and down slowly, think about, take a beat, and say it again,
"You are the best. You are DEFINITELY the best."

13. I can't get enough of you.

Say this while texting another guy.

14. You drive me wild.

Say this while stroking yourself with a vibrator and kissing your girlfriend

15. You know me inside and out.

Say this while getting dressed to go out to "Lady's Night" at The Owl.

16. I love you so much.

Say this softly, looking deeply into his eyes, while you are on the way out the door.

17. I love you with all my heart and soul.

Say this as you refuse to pay his bail for having sex with an underage girl on the tour bus.

18. You make me laugh.
Say this if he tries to insult you.
Note: Don't let him insult you. At the merest hint of an insult leave him. Trust me!

19. You are so funny.
Say this when he says you are "not as thin as Gwynth Paltrow."

20. I love the way you love me.
Say this to the guy you are f*king on the side.

21. I love the way you make me feel.
Say this as you are stroking the fabric of a dress you want at Bergdorf's.

22. I never want you to stop loving me.
Say this if he offers to pay for your dinner.

23. I don't know what I would do without you in my life.
Say this when he opens a jar for you.The only reason to keep a man around on a permanent basis is to open jars and kill food. I personally eat only organic fruits and vegetables and I make my own juice. I buy my food at Commodities and Whole Foods so men are moot.

24. You make me feel so special.

Never say this.

25. I need you in my life.
Never say this.

27. I can't get enough of your hugs and kisses.
Say this but don't mean it or you are finished.

28. I apologize.

Say this when you leave him.

29. I promise to love you forever.

Say this but do not mean it.

30. You are the one for me.

Say this only if you are not in love.

Look very guilty with very wide eyes... while getting dressed in a killer hot pink corset and garter belt set to wear under that little black suit you are wearing to the Metropolitan Club with your new billionaire...and purr...

"You are more than enough for me."

HANKY PANKY SAMPLE SALE

Sample Sale on Fifth Avenue between 28th and 29th on Fifth, ground floor, West side of street

Lingerie enthusiast Turgid Loathingmore the Third was browsing through the Financial Times last year when he saw an offering for Hanky Panky, Ltd. Turgid invested heavily.

I said, "You schmuck. What are you investing in that for??

He moistened his rodent lips and said, "You'll see."

For once, Turg was right. Today, Tues. Dec. 2 there is a SAMPLE SALE and there's a line around the block. It's worth the wait. Read on...

THE HANKY PANKY 'signature' V-kini is the MOST COMFORTABLE THONG on the market. If you have a sensitive Tushie like Bambi you know a thong can be hell. But Hanky Panky found a way to make it not only bearable - but pleasurable!

Abisextrous, mult-talented, versatile and well rounded Bambi has so many LOVAHS she has to wear bullet proof boxers most of the time, but on those rare occasions when she takes a shine to a particular "LOVAH" Bambi struts her stuff in the "COLORPLAY V-Kini" (half price today at the sample sale)

Once, after a one night stand, Bambi left her Hanky Panky's in the boudoir of a very rich person of the not-so opposite sex. This person who will remain nameless (Turgid Loathingmore) was such a lousy lay that Bambi vowed never to see him/her(?) again. But she wanted those Hankys back - so she swallowed her pride and returned to the scene of the crime.

PS She still can't get rid of Turgid Loathingmore the Third. There is something magic about the
soft, stretch lace and comfortable cotton center of the lowrise thong Hanky Panky panty!

James Bond is a Pussy

Turgid Loathingmore the Third talked me into going to Quantum of Solace. It's a waste of $.

James Bond has gone soft: Daniel Craig is a wuss.

Lose the blue contacts and show us some skin dude. Dame Judy as "Q" is good...Thank G*d they let her move her face a little this time, but why don't they have Q demonstrating a couple of cool new technovisionary gadgets? A touch screen I've seen before: That sh*t looked like an etch-a-sketch.

Idea: Why don't they have a device that taps into Bond's brain neurons and instantly enables him to speak fluent Kurdish?

The worst thing about Quantum of Solace: no Ursula Andress in a bikini!

Props for hiring Giancarlo Giannini as the "old guy" - but I wouldn't mind seeing him in bed with lets say Barbara Bach, Denise Richards, Claudine Auger, Teri Hatcher, Grace Jones, Carole Bouquet or especially Carey Lowel for a few minutes. Olga Kurylenko looks worried all the time - if I were the fu*ckin Bond girl I'd try to look exciting, dangerous and aroused. (Like I do on the "12 items or less" line at Trader Joe's)
The English girl who dies covered with oil is hot but we hardly see her. She must have started schtupping the producer after the Olga hire. That oil bit is a real dick wilter by the way.

I'll write the screenplay next time OK boys? Just leave it to Bambi-

Now let's talk about the score -
David Arnold, 46 year old Bond franchise composer, cranks out music as slick and polished as Craggy Craig's blood stained Tom Ford dress shirts - he incorporates the Jack White/Alicia Keyes title song into his score-That's good. Lietmotiv never hurt anyone...
but Arnold fails to knock us out with that punch em in the gut brass that made composer John Barry such a critical element of the Bond Machismo.

This unimaginative score can't compare to Casino Royale-
however, it does have some workmanlike Bondesque moments...
And to be fair, how can Arnold do an epic Machismo Feminsimo theme when there is so little love in the movie? Camille's theme is heard only once. Best work: Arnold's two six-note themes for villain Dominic Greene - one on brass and the other flute/harp/and guitar.

Quantum is so digitized it might as well be a cartoon. They say Olga did her own stunts, but what does that mean -they put her on a wire and she kicked into the air? She looks pretty good, but looking good is different from being sexy-any reader of the Bambi Bernstein blog knows that.

Photo: Ursula Andress in Dr. No (1962-) Before I was born but I know Machismo Feminismo when I see it...

mini review:
BOLT 3D. Now that's a good movie- great characters, great story, moral growth, character development and excellent Disney score by John Powell which can be heard at Amazon. Travolta has always been a Machismo/Feminismo Icon - even BEFORE he did Hairspray. I don't mind Miley Cyrus as much as some other grownups do. I think she's fun and I love the kiddie country production on her songs. She is a very well brought up young lady who makes millions and millions and millions of dollars. Everyone in showbusiness is like BLOOD to Bambi Bernstein and I never criticize show people unless they really f*ck up - like the producers of Quantum of Solace. Incidently that name sucks too.

PrezO tweets BAMBI

It was October...we were in the throws of the election.
I was worried about the outcome of the second debate.

I tweeted
@barackobama
"Hey champ! Before the debate please listen to Cotrane's "A Love Supreme"

about an hour later I got back a message from PrezO

@legere
"How about some cool Miles Davis"

That was his "handshake" to me and I will never forget it as long as I live.


I told Turgid Loathmore the Third about this historic twitter moment.
Turgid, a mouth breather and political dilletante, rolled his eyes and said

, "Oh it must have been someone from his office."

Cynics always try to pee on my utopian dreams.

As Phoebe Legere once sang in her song "LOVE BUBBLE"
"Don't try to burst my bubble with your wretched little pin
Don't try to deflate me... Just come on in!"

Bambi Bernstein will go to her grave saying Obama is the greatest thing that has happened to America in her lifetime.

And lets give equal time to the awesome Hillary Clinton, featured yesterday on the front page of the New York TImes. Yes New Yorkers, we are loosing a bad ass fucking brilliant junior senator but we are gaining a bad ass fuckin gorgeous Sec'y of Statey.

I love HIllary. I think she lost a little weight- I hope she doesn't starve herself. Imagine the Chinese banquets? O Good Lord... the girl deserves every kowtow and shrimp dumpling!

Best Small Business Blog on the Internet

I predict that Susan Rakowski's Blog "Start Your Own Small Business." will be the fastest rising blog in the Startup Blogosphere.

I've known Susan for many years She never ceases to amaze... When I first met Rockin Rocket Rakowski she was the cutest, smartest girl at Vassar College-and a damn fine guitarist and bass player too!

One year after graduation Susan was hired to be a reporter on the Wall St. Journal.
Rockin Rocket Rakoswki was rockin' all night and chasin' hard news all day!

"Rocket Rakowski" is the ULTIMATE Machismo/Feminismo success story.

Though we are overjoyed by the hopeful mood in the country, we know there are rough economic times ahead. Susan is, as usual, thinking about how to make other people's lives easier.
Susan Rakowski believes that "increasing Financial Intelligence will build women's confidence and self esteem."
Read Susan's blog everyday to learn how credit works, how to get a loan, how to save money, how to create wealth, and how to budget your finances.

I am so crazy about Susie I once wrote a song called, "I Love Susie Rakowski." We played that song for 26,000 people when we opened for David Bowie on his National Tour.

I'll finish my blog for today with a few words of wisdom from famous Hollywood Film Composer Bambi Bernstein:

"Girls! If you want love, if you want romance, don't waste your dough on clothes that make you look like hos! Just work on accumulating wealth, because if you are rich EVERYONE wants to fuck you. "

Get Your Hand Outa My Pocketbook

I love money. I can't get enough.

The Machismo Feminismo woman always knows EXACTLY how much money is in her wallet.

You can visit http://www.mymoney.gov to order your FREE Financial Literacy toolkit. It couldn't hurt!

And remember The Machismo Feminismo woman gets more pleasure from NOT spending money than from engaging in what Sex in the City author Candice Bushnell once described as "retail therapy."

Shopping is a scam. Shopping will NOT make you feel better. It will NOT make you sexier. Shopping is NOT entertainment. Shopping will only accomplish one thing- It will enrich the people who control the corporations who own the stores. For entertainment go to a concert, go to a play, go to a ball game, go to a lecture.

If you a heterosexual who is horny for a boyfriend, ask yourself- what is the best use of my time on this planet - will I meet men in a ladies store? No. Men hate shopping. they go in, they buy the first thing they see and they leave and go call someone who can help them in business.

If you want to meet guys go to a ball game or some other place where guys gather. They don't give a damn what you are wearing. They just want to see a big confident smile. They just want someone to listen to them talk. They just want to look at you.

If you want to meet girls just walk down the street in a really sharp suit with your hair up looking rich. Look deeply into the eyes of the first good looking woman you see. Fuck her with your eyes. Trust me. You can have anybody you want. I don't care how old you are. Machismo/Feminismo has no age.


Our guest tomorrow on the Bambi Bernstein show:

Machismo/Feminismo Superstar Susan Rakowski.
Ms. Rakowski is the Editor in Chief of Small Business Opportunities- SBO is your BEST resource for entreprenureal ideas and inspiration.
Ms. Rakowski is also a former rock star, (she opened for David Bowie on his National tour and starred in Mondo New York) she has written for the Wall Street Journal and Star Magazine, and she is a very smart, funny and compassionate lady. In addition to her high powered job as a New York City publishing executive, she is a philanthropist.

So check back tomorrow for a zany, informative interview on Financial Literacy with SUSAN RAKOWSKI!

BEING SINGLE and LOVING IT

First you have to LOVE who you REALLY are. Do not compare yourself to the models in Vogue Magazine. They have been created to Undermine your confidence and "dopefiend" you into spending your money on clothes, makeup and plastic surgery. Don't do it. I can't even see you and I can assure you.... my nose is bigger than yours is.

But men and women think I am "gorgeous." Why? Because I am having a GOOD time almost all the time.

When you are single, and you walk into a restaurant, the host or hostess may say, "How many?"

Formerly, I felt very shitty and guilty as I sheepishly replied, "Just one."
And the bitch or bastard would repeat my words, disappointed, but unable to actually turn me away.
They picked up the menu, looked me over like I was a ghost or worse, repeated the words "Just one." and led me to some miniscule table by the men's room.

BUT NOW I have Machismo/Feminismo!

When the bitch or bastard says "How many?" I say,

"ONE!" in a loud voice. "ONE!" I repeat, " But I eat a LOT of food and I'm a BIG tipper!"
Everyone laughs. Everyone is my friend. And the waitress fawns on me all night.

And even though I'm one of the cheapest people in the world I do leave an extra dollar - because what's more important - a great experience or a lousy buck?