BAMBI AT THE INAUGURAL BALL

blogging from the Eastern Inaugural Ball...

Many of you have asked what Bambi is wearing tonight.
Naturally I am in full Loehmans.....a Squilliante One Shoulder silk gown. What makes it really special is that I gave myself a "Las Vegas" yesterday morning.

THE LAS VEGAS

You simply remove every hair on your body below your neck. (Turgid gives me a bullet to bite on) Then take those little Swaroski stick on jewels and, deftly using your superlong fingernails, make a heart that encloses your "little friend" (sometimes know as "the eroto-genital region.")

Will you copy this idea immediately? If you have any brains you WILL. Remember, you don't have to be 100 percent better than your competition, you just have to 10 percent better.

PRODUCT NOTE: I get my STICK ON SWAROWSKIS at the store that most closely resembles an orgasm: M and J Trimmings.

You can buy loose jewels at M and J and apply with lash glue, or you can get the stick ons at RICKY'S.




Back to the Ball

WHAT BAMBI WANTS (Hint #1)

Bambi is not real. She is a minor sub-personality - a fiction. And yet, paradoxically, Bambi has real desires. Real needs.

I hear you asking yourself, what is the best way to get Bambi moving in the direction of the boudoir?


Yves Saint Lauent Croc Muse in Fuschia and Blue...You've Got Bambi's attention now! This would be, as they say in curatorial circles, a good entry point.

And I think you can be assured of a mouthful of Bambi's Hotter Than Hell Armageddon A Go Go Hot Sauce if you show up with one of these:

HERMES RED CROC

When Bambi attended Shiksadrome University in Poughkeepsie New York she learned that a PURSE is Semiotic signifier for the WOMB.
And that's why she needs an Alligator Purse. Snap! Snap!

What Bambi Wants

http://www.purseblog.com/ysl-handbags/yves-saint-laurent-croc-muse-two.html

Part 2 HOW TO KEEP YOUR MAN!

Painting of Rope $100,000 Special order, Bernstein Gallery



Bambi has done a lot of thinking about LOVE, SEX and ROMANCE and now - for the first time EVER - she reveals the secret of
HOW TO GET A MAN TO FALL DEEPLY IN LOVE!
The magic incantations below, (combined with my patented "BAMBI LOVE POTION #7") - will produce RESULTS or your money back. Trust me.
Bambi Bernstein has had a thousand boyfriends.


RULE #1 If you are nice to men they think you are weak.

Just use men for sex and move on. That's how Bambi treats her boyfriend, the over handsome, under educated Turgid Loathmore

Try these bullshit phrases on for size....


11. "________"You just make me feel so good.

Say this while looking in the mirror. Stroke your inner thigh narcissistically
and twirl your hair around your finger. Use his name. The name itself is a magic formula. Forget "darling, stud, lover boy" Just use the name. Draw out the first consonant. Give him the OO LA LA.

12. You are the best.

Say this while looking admiringly at your newest copy of "Man Date." Keep gazing at the most magnificently built stud in the magazine, cock your head, look from the page to your boyfriend, look both guys up and down slowly, think about, take a beat, and say it again,
"You are the best. You are DEFINITELY the best."

13. I can't get enough of you.

Say this while texting another guy.

14. You drive me wild.

Say this while stroking yourself with a vibrator and kissing your girlfriend

15. You know me inside and out.

Say this while getting dressed to go out to "Lady's Night" at The Owl.

16. I love you so much.

Say this softly, looking deeply into his eyes, while you are on the way out the door.

17. I love you with all my heart and soul.

Say this as you refuse to pay his bail for having sex with an underage girl on the tour bus.

18. You make me laugh.
Say this if he tries to insult you.
Note: Don't let him insult you. At the merest hint of an insult leave him. Trust me!

19. You are so funny.
Say this when he says you are "not as thin as Gwynth Paltrow."

20. I love the way you love me.
Say this to the guy you are f*king on the side.

21. I love the way you make me feel.
Say this as you are stroking the fabric of a dress you want at Bergdorf's.

22. I never want you to stop loving me.
Say this if he offers to pay for your dinner.

23. I don't know what I would do without you in my life.
Say this when he opens a jar for you.The only reason to keep a man around on a permanent basis is to open jars and kill food. I personally eat only organic fruits and vegetables and I make my own juice. I buy my food at Commodities and Whole Foods so men are moot.

24. You make me feel so special.

Never say this.

25. I need you in my life.
Never say this.

27. I can't get enough of your hugs and kisses.
Say this but don't mean it or you are finished.

28. I apologize.

Say this when you leave him.

29. I promise to love you forever.

Say this but do not mean it.

30. You are the one for me.

Say this only if you are not in love.

Look very guilty with very wide eyes... while getting dressed in a killer hot pink corset and garter belt set to wear under that little black suit you are wearing to the Metropolitan Club with your new billionaire...and purr...

"You are more than enough for me."

ADVICE #1- How To Keep a Man: Bathroom Reno

When I first saw BATHROOM RENO with "J" they were standing on the corner of Second Avenue and 8th St.

I thought "How did J EVER attract someone as beautiful as THAT!"

BATHROOM RENO has a perfect body, perfect tattoos, and the most wonderful bone structure. On top of everything, "BR" IS YOUNG! Can you imagine?

But now...BR is PROSTRATING HIMSELF on the alter of J's indifference.

Get a hold of yourself BR and READ ON!

Bathroom Reno writes:


Dear Phoebe
I'm not up to much except cleaning house (here in New Jersey) and considering a bathroom renovation....

Well, J's show and his need for creative space did put a dent in our relationship. It breaks my heart because I LOVE him so much. We had so much fun and did become very close but at the moment there is nothing going on to keep us together as we were when we met last February. I first met him in 1983 and when we crossed paths nearly 25 years later I had no idea I would fall madly in love with him. I even asked him to marry me and I gave him a giant faux diamond ring. Maybe you could tell me how to get him to fall in love with me again?? :)

Dear Bathroom Reno,

The only way to keep a man is to treat him like shit, give him no gifts, demand EXPENSIVE gifts for YOURSELF and MOST important of all...
CHEAT ON HIM!

You must start fucking someone that J really admires! Make it public. High profile it all over town!!!

Don't do a drag queen. I'm thinking someone REALLY butch and creative.
Let me know how it turns out
And remember darling - The world is FULL of wonderful cocks. Don't get hung up on just one!

Love you
Bambi ("The Brand") Bernstein

CRAZY, HORNY and RICH!

I was lounging around the fire with my pals Susie, Nissa and AK on New Years Day...we were sipping beer and talking BRANDING and MARKETING...

Susie said, Bambi, you need a mantra, you need to reduce your brand to three magic words!

I took a sip of Stella Artois, moistened my succulent trademark pout and purred...

"That's easy. My brand is Bambi Berstein: I'm CRAZY, HORNY and RICH!"

And speaking of BRANDING BAMBI-

Here is a completely gratuitous photo of royal flesh: Prince Harry and Chelsy Davy on Mauritius!