Saturday, November 29, 2008


Bambi Bernstein rarely gets excited about a man, but once every couple of decades she runs into an XY that knocks her black silk stockings off -
She looks him up and down, slaps her moist forehead, and purrrrrrs,

“WHOA! Can I buy you a drink big boy? “

Such a man, is Gen. James L Jones, PrezO’s pick for National Security Adviser. Gen. Jones is “Generalissimo Machismo.”

A quote from the Alpha:

“It's OK to have fun in the Marine Corps. I like to say we are imperfect people working in an institution that tries to be perfect. That is a noble thing, but you have to realize there is no perfect. We're human.”

Human. We are human! HUMAN! That is so hot!

He is large, 6’5”- and beautifully formed, with insane blue eyes. Look at him. If he asked you to do something you would do it. Bambi would do it. Bambi would love to do it. What do you want? You want Bambi to jump through a hole in the ice? You want Bambi to play a bugle while driving a humvee with 76 nuclear warheads on the luggage rack across a bridge made of sticks? Just show me the bugle sir. I'll blow it- I mean-

General Jones spent his formative years (age 2-17) in France which may explain why he is so suave.

Now the camoflage-clad commando commands the largest, most powerful army on Planet Earth.

He also wears these awesome decorations! (below) in addition to the ones Bambi cannot see. (yet)

General Jones’ life in a nutshell:

In 1967, he was ordered to Vietnam, where he served as a Platoon and Company Commander with Company G, 2d Battalion, 3d Marines. While overseas, he was promoted to First Lieutenant in June 1968.

After doing many heroic things, which can only be imagined by an intellectual composer and bloggeuse like me, he went back to school. And where did he go? Juilliard? NYU? Shiksadrome? NO! Gen. Jones went to the National War College in Washington, DC.

He knows the middle East backwards and forwards – not only Kuwait and Iraq but Turkey too.

Gen. Jones last job was Supreme Allied Commander, Europe (SACEUR)

“From the Supreme Headquarters"... "in Mons, Belgium, General Jones led Allied Command Europe (ACE), comprising NATO's military forces in Europe. “

Like, Can PrezO pick 'em?

When Gen. Jones retired did he play golf and read his kindle? No. He served as president and chief executive officer of the U.S. Chamber Institute for 21st Century Energy.

The guy has got it goin on. Look at that smile! Those eyebrows. Even I, Bambi Bernstein, and you know how I am, wouldn’t dare to tell him how to wear his hair.

“At 64, General Jones bicycles from home to work twice each week, riding the nine miles from McLean, Va., to the offices of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, two blocks from the White House, where he runs a task force on energy. “ – The New York Times today.

He rides a bike! That is SO SEXY!!!

Bambi Bernstein has a sixth sense about these things, and she thinks that General Jones will develop a close relationship Mrs. Clinton, and PrezO (and Mr. Gates) and together they will DEFINE the NEW American position on Iraq, Afghanistan, Russia and terrorism.

Meanwhile, peacenic and ultra left wing liberal Bambi has started writing The National Security Symphony.(heavy on timpani, bugle and guitar)-

After all--

Beethoven, was inspired to write the 3rd Eroica Symphony by Napoleon-

Beethoven said,

"If I understood the art of war as well I do music, I would conquer him.”

LVB - you are man after my own heart

I hear your questions readers -
Yes Bambi will play the bugle from the podium
as she conducts the massively orchestrated and
very loud National Security Symphony.

Monday, November 24, 2008

James Bond is a Pussy

Turgid Loathingmore the Third talked me into going to Quantum of Solace. It's a waste of $.

James Bond has gone soft: Daniel Craig is a wuss.

Lose the blue contacts and show us some skin dude. Dame Judy as "Q" is good...Thank G*d they let her move her face a little this time, but why don't they have Q demonstrating a couple of cool new technovisionary gadgets? A touch screen I've seen before: That sh*t looked like an etch-a-sketch.

Idea: Why don't they have a device that taps into Bond's brain neurons and instantly enables him to speak fluent Kurdish?

The worst thing about Quantum of Solace: no Ursula Andress in a bikini!

Props for hiring Giancarlo Giannini as the "old guy" - but I wouldn't mind seeing him in bed with lets say Barbara Bach, Denise Richards, Claudine Auger, Teri Hatcher, Grace Jones, Carole Bouquet or especially Carey Lowel for a few minutes. Olga Kurylenko looks worried all the time - if I were the fu*ckin Bond girl I'd try to look exciting, dangerous and aroused. (Like I do on the "12 items or less" line at Trader Joe's)
The English girl who dies covered with oil is hot but we hardly see her. She must have started schtupping the producer after the Olga hire. That oil bit is a real dick wilter by the way.

I'll write the screenplay next time OK boys? Just leave it to Bambi-

Now let's talk about the score -
David Arnold, 46 year old Bond franchise composer, cranks out music as slick and polished as Craggy Craig's blood stained Tom Ford dress shirts - he incorporates the Jack White/Alicia Keyes title song into his score-That's good. Lietmotiv never hurt anyone...
but Arnold fails to knock us out with that punch em in the gut brass that made composer John Barry such a critical element of the Bond Machismo.

This unimaginative score can't compare to Casino Royale-
however, it does have some workmanlike Bondesque moments...
And to be fair, how can Arnold do an epic Machismo Feminsimo theme when there is so little love in the movie? Camille's theme is heard only once. Best work: Arnold's two six-note themes for villain Dominic Greene - one on brass and the other flute/harp/and guitar.

Quantum is so digitized it might as well be a cartoon. They say Olga did her own stunts, but what does that mean -they put her on a wire and she kicked into the air? She looks pretty good, but looking good is different from being sexy-any reader of the Bambi Bernstein blog knows that.

Photo: Ursula Andress in Dr. No (1962-) Before I was born but I know Machismo Feminismo when I see it...

mini review:
BOLT 3D. Now that's a good movie- great characters, great story, moral growth, character development and excellent Disney score by John Powell which can be heard at Amazon. Travolta has always been a Machismo/Feminismo Icon - even BEFORE he did Hairspray. I don't mind Miley Cyrus as much as some other grownups do. I think she's fun and I love the kiddie country production on her songs. She is a very well brought up young lady who makes millions and millions and millions of dollars. Everyone in showbusiness is like BLOOD to Bambi Bernstein and I never criticize show people unless they really f*ck up - like the producers of Quantum of Solace. Incidently that name sucks too.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

PrezO tweets BAMBI

It was October...we were in the throws of the election.
I was worried about the outcome of the second debate.

I tweeted
"Hey champ! Before the debate please listen to Cotrane's "A Love Supreme"

about an hour later I got back a message from PrezO

"How about some cool Miles Davis"

That was his "handshake" to me and I will never forget it as long as I live.

I told Turgid Loathmore the Third about this historic twitter moment.
Turgid, a mouth breather and political dilletante
, rolled his eyes and said

, "Oh it must have been someone from his office."

Cynics always try to pee on my utopian dreams.

As Phoebe Legere once sang in her song "LOVE BUBBLE"
"Don't try to burst my bubble with your wretched little pin
Don't try to deflate me... Just come on in!"

Bambi Bernstein will go to her grave saying Obama is the greatest thing that has happened to America in her lifetime.

And lets give equal time to the awesome Hillary Clinton, featured yesterday on the front page of the New York TImes. Yes New Yorkers, we are loosing a bad ass fucking brilliant junior senator but we are gaining a bad ass fuckin gorgeous Sec'y of Statey.

I love HIllary. I think she lost a little weight- I hope she doesn't starve herself. Imagine the Chinese banquets? O Good Lord... the girl deserves every kowtow and shrimp dumpling!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Best Small Business Blog on the Internet

I predict that Susan Rakowski's Blog
"Start Your Own Small Business." will be the fastest rising blog in the Startup Blogosphere.

I've known Susan for many years She never ceases to amaze... When I first met Rockin Rocket Rakowski she was the cutest, smartest girl at Vassar College-and a damn fine guitarist and bass player too!

One year after graduation Susan was hired to be a reporter on the Wall St. Journal.
Rockin Rocket Rakoswki was rockin' all night and chasin' hard news all day!

"Rocket Rakowski" is the ULTIMATE Machismo/Feminismo success story.

Though we are overjoyed by the hopeful mood in the country, we know there are rough economic times ahead. Susan is, as usual, thinking about how to make other people's lives easier.
Susan Rakowski believes that "increasing Financial Intelligence will build women's confidence and self esteem."
Read Susan's blog everyday to learn how credit works, how to get a loan, how to save money, how to create wealth, and how to budget your finances.

I am so crazy about Susie I once wrote a song called, "I Love Susie Rakowski." We played that song for 26,000 people when we opened for David Bowie on his National Tour.

I'll finish my blog for today with a few words of wisdom from famous Hollywood Film Composer Bambi Bernstein:

"Girls! If you want love, if you want romance, don't waste your dough on clothes that make you look like hos! Just work on accumulating wealth, because if you are rich EVERYONE wants to fuck you. "
I predict that Susan Rakowski's blog on how to start your own small business is going to be the megahit sensation of the startup blogosphere. When I first new Susie she was the "cutest, funniest girl at Vassar College" One year out of college she becamse a hot shot reporter for the Wall Street Journal.

Susie never ceases to amaze me. I like Susie so much I once wrote a song called "I Love Susie Rakowski." We played the song for 20,000 people when our rock band opened for David Bowie on his national tour.

Of all the fun, imaginative, smart things Susie has done over the years, nothing has impressed me as much as her new Blog about how to start your own Small Business.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Get Your Hand Outa My Pocketbook

I love money. I can't get enough.

The Machismo Feminismo woman always knows EXACTLY how much money is in her wallet.

You can visit to order your FREE Financial Literacy toolkit. It couldn't hurt!

And remember The Machismo Feminismo woman gets more pleasure from NOT spending money than from engaging in what Sex in the City author Candice Bushnell once described as "retail therapy."

Shopping is a scam. Shopping will NOT make you feel better. It will NOT make you sexier. Shopping is NOT entertainment. Shopping will only accomplish one thing- It will enrich the people who control the corporations who own the stores. For entertainment go to a concert, go to a play, go to a ball game, go to a lecture.

If you a heterosexual who is horny for a boyfriend, ask yourself- what is the best use of my time on this planet - will I meet men in a ladies store? No. Men hate shopping. they go in, they buy the first thing they see and they leave and go call someone who can help them in business.

If you want to meet guys go to a ball game or some other place where guys gather. They don't give a damn what you are wearing. They just want to see a big confident smile. They just want someone to listen to them talk. They just want to look at you.

If you want to meet girls just walk down the street in a really sharp suit with your hair up looking rich. Look deeply into the eyes of the first good looking woman you see. Fuck her with your eyes. Trust me. You can have anybody you want. I don't care how old you are. Machismo/Feminismo has no age.

Our guest tomorrow on the Bambi Bernstein show:

Machismo/Feminismo Superstar Susan Rakowski.
Ms. Rakowski is the Editor in Chief of Small Business Opportunities- SBO is your BEST resource for entreprenureal ideas and inspiration.
Ms. Rakowski is also a former rock star, (she opened for David Bowie on his National tour and starred in Mondo New York) she has written for the Wall Street Journal and Star Magazine, and she is a very smart, funny and compassionate lady. In addition to her high powered job as a New York City publishing executive, she is a philanthropist.

So check back tomorrow for a zany, informative interview on Financial Literacy with SUSAN RAKOWSKI!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


First you have to LOVE who you REALLY are. Do not compare yourself to the models in Vogue Magazine. They have been created to Undermine your confidence and "dopefiend" you into spending your money on clothes, makeup and plastic surgery. Don't do it. I can't even see you and I can assure you.... my nose is bigger than yours is.

But men and women think I am "gorgeous." Why? Because I am having a GOOD time almost all the time.

When you are single, and you walk into a restaurant, the host or hostess may say, "How many?"

Formerly, I felt very shitty and guilty as I sheepishly replied, "Just one."
And the bitch or bastard would repeat my words, disappointed, but unable to actually turn me away.
They picked up the menu, looked me over like I was a ghost or worse, repeated the words "Just one." and led me to some miniscule table by the men's room.

BUT NOW I have Machismo/Feminismo!

When the bitch or bastard says "How many?" I say,

"ONE!" in a loud voice. "ONE!" I repeat, " But I eat a LOT of food and I'm a BIG tipper!"
Everyone laughs. Everyone is my friend. And the waitress fawns on me all night.

And even though I'm one of the cheapest people in the world I do leave an extra dollar - because what's more important - a great experience or a lousy buck?

Sunday, November 9, 2008

As a successful Hollywood film composer I've had to develop my own brand of feminism. People are more willing to vote for a woman for president than they are to hire a female composer.
In the world of serious music women are treated like dirt. That is why I invented Machismo/Feminismo.

I see so many young girls plagued by insecurities: am I pretty? I am I sexy? Is my skirt the right length? Am I fat?

I love being a woman but I don't have time to waste worrying about my looks.

I want joy, health, family, and success. I want all the goodies life has to offer.
I want to be the master of my world.

The Machismo/Feminismo woman is as cocky as a matador, as cool as Barack Obama.
When she is working she's Clint Eastwood. When she is volunteering to help people in need she is St. Theresa. That's not a contradiction. That's machismo/feminism.

It works for men too!

Trends don't matter to the Machismo/Feminismo woman. She rarely reads fashion magazines.
She wants her clothes to be well made and comfortable. Just like a man. Timeless, classic, smart. Machismo/feminismo girl doesn't have time to waste worrying "What should I wear." How boring! Men don't do that. Just watch them strutting around. They think they look great. They love themselves.

Instead of getting upset about her weight the machismo/feminismo woman goes to the gym every other day. She lifts weights with the men and then she does yoga. She runs two miles or swims.

She eats primarily raw fruit and vegetables.