Monday, November 24, 2008

James Bond is a Pussy


Turgid Loathingmore the Third talked me into going to Quantum of Solace. It's a waste of $.

James Bond has gone soft: Daniel Craig is a wuss.

Lose the blue contacts and show us some skin dude. Dame Judy as "Q" is good...Thank G*d they let her move her face a little this time, but why don't they have Q demonstrating a couple of cool new technovisionary gadgets? A touch screen I've seen before: That sh*t looked like an etch-a-sketch.

Idea: Why don't they have a device that taps into Bond's brain neurons and instantly enables him to speak fluent Kurdish?

The worst thing about Quantum of Solace: no Ursula Andress in a bikini!

Props for hiring Giancarlo Giannini as the "old guy" - but I wouldn't mind seeing him in bed with lets say Barbara Bach, Denise Richards, Claudine Auger, Teri Hatcher, Grace Jones, Carole Bouquet or especially Carey Lowel for a few minutes. Olga Kurylenko looks worried all the time - if I were the fu*ckin Bond girl I'd try to look exciting, dangerous and aroused. (Like I do on the "12 items or less" line at Trader Joe's)
The English girl who dies covered with oil is hot but we hardly see her. She must have started schtupping the producer after the Olga hire. That oil bit is a real dick wilter by the way.

I'll write the screenplay next time OK boys? Just leave it to Bambi-

Now let's talk about the score -
David Arnold, 46 year old Bond franchise composer, cranks out music as slick and polished as Craggy Craig's blood stained Tom Ford dress shirts - he incorporates the Jack White/Alicia Keyes title song into his score-That's good. Lietmotiv never hurt anyone...
but Arnold fails to knock us out with that punch em in the gut brass that made composer John Barry such a critical element of the Bond Machismo.

This unimaginative score can't compare to Casino Royale-
however, it does have some workmanlike Bondesque moments...
And to be fair, how can Arnold do an epic Machismo Feminsimo theme when there is so little love in the movie? Camille's theme is heard only once. Best work: Arnold's two six-note themes for villain Dominic Greene - one on brass and the other flute/harp/and guitar.

Quantum is so digitized it might as well be a cartoon. They say Olga did her own stunts, but what does that mean -they put her on a wire and she kicked into the air? She looks pretty good, but looking good is different from being sexy-any reader of the Bambi Bernstein blog knows that.

Photo: Ursula Andress in Dr. No (1962-) Before I was born but I know Machismo Feminismo when I see it...

mini review:
BOLT 3D. Now that's a good movie- great characters, great story, moral growth, character development and excellent Disney score by John Powell which can be heard at Amazon. Travolta has always been a Machismo/Feminismo Icon - even BEFORE he did Hairspray. I don't mind Miley Cyrus as much as some other grownups do. I think she's fun and I love the kiddie country production on her songs. She is a very well brought up young lady who makes millions and millions and millions of dollars. Everyone in showbusiness is like BLOOD to Bambi Bernstein and I never criticize show people unless they really f*ck up - like the producers of Quantum of Solace. Incidently that name sucks too.

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