Wednesday, January 14, 2009


Painting of Rope $100,000 Special order, Bernstein Gallery

Bambi has done a lot of thinking about LOVE, SEX and ROMANCE and now - for the first time EVER - she reveals the secret of
The magic incantations below, (combined with my patented "BAMBI LOVE POTION #7") - will produce RESULTS or your money back. Trust me.
Bambi Bernstein has had a thousand boyfriends.

RULE #1 If you are nice to men they think you are weak.

Just use men for sex and move on. That's how Bambi treats her boyfriend, the over handsome, under educated Turgid Loathmore

Try these bullshit phrases on for size....

11. "________"You just make me feel so good.

Say this while looking in the mirror. Stroke your inner thigh narcissistically
and twirl your hair around your finger. Use his name. The name itself is a magic formula. Forget "darling, stud, lover boy" Just use the name. Draw out the first consonant. Give him the OO LA LA.

12. You are the best.

Say this while looking admiringly at your newest copy of "Man Date." Keep gazing at the most magnificently built stud in the magazine, cock your head, look from the page to your boyfriend, look both guys up and down slowly, think about, take a beat, and say it again,
"You are the best. You are DEFINITELY the best."

13. I can't get enough of you.

Say this while texting another guy.

14. You drive me wild.

Say this while stroking yourself with a vibrator and kissing your girlfriend

15. You know me inside and out.

Say this while getting dressed to go out to "Lady's Night" at The Owl.

16. I love you so much.

Say this softly, looking deeply into his eyes, while you are on the way out the door.

17. I love you with all my heart and soul.

Say this as you refuse to pay his bail for having sex with an underage girl on the tour bus.

18. You make me laugh.
Say this if he tries to insult you.
Note: Don't let him insult you. At the merest hint of an insult leave him. Trust me!

19. You are so funny.
Say this when he says you are "not as thin as Gwynth Paltrow."

20. I love the way you love me.
Say this to the guy you are f*king on the side.

21. I love the way you make me feel.
Say this as you are stroking the fabric of a dress you want at Bergdorf's.

22. I never want you to stop loving me.
Say this if he offers to pay for your dinner.

23. I don't know what I would do without you in my life.
Say this when he opens a jar for you.The only reason to keep a man around on a permanent basis is to open jars and kill food. I personally eat only organic fruits and vegetables and I make my own juice. I buy my food at Commodities and Whole Foods so men are moot.

24. You make me feel so special.

Never say this.

25. I need you in my life.
Never say this.

27. I can't get enough of your hugs and kisses.
Say this but don't mean it or you are finished.

28. I apologize.

Say this when you leave him.

29. I promise to love you forever.

Say this but do not mean it.

30. You are the one for me.

Say this only if you are not in love.

Look very guilty with very wide eyes... while getting dressed in a killer hot pink corset and garter belt set to wear under that little black suit you are wearing to the Metropolitan Club with your new billionaire...and purr...

"You are more than enough for me."

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